If you’re an Autistic adult venturing out into the dating/social/friendship/family outing scene then this article is for you. I’m going to teach you the life changing art of tool kits to make everywhere you go a bit more autism friendly.
A tool kit is just what it sounds like. A kit of tools that helps you feel comfortable wherever your autistic body happens to be in the world. Put the tools in a lunch kit, backpack, purse, or a fanny pack that is easy to carry and not obtrusive to hold. Next up are steps to curating the perfect tool kit for your needs so jot these down.
- Assess your needs use Assessing for Accommodations sheet here to determine what you need in every situation.
Look at your triggers and soothers that occur daily, when you are out of the house, and in what situations. Decide what has worked in the past, what you think might work in the future for you to try, and what absolutely doesn’t work so you can leave it out. Accommodations are only good if they actually help you. Adding stuff that other people put in their kits that you don’t have a specific use for will just be taking up valuable space in your holder. Use these tool kit sheets for some ideas and a place to write down all the items you are thinking of using.
- Find portable options for the things you require.
Hot all the time? Get a good portable fan with long battery life and the wind strength you like. Freak out if your phone battery gets below 15% when you are out and about? Get a handy phone charger that comes with the cords you need to keep your tech going. The thirsties get you down when running around town? Grab a cooling cup for your beverage to stay at a temperature that suites you. I wouldn’t expect your portable alternative tools to work as well as the ones in your home, but they need to get the job done to feel like you are bringing your comfort bubble with you.
- Fill up your tool kit holder by the location that you will use it.
Going to the movies the kit may look like: hand sanitizer, small flashlight for finding things in your holder in the dark, hand warmers since it is icy cold in the theater, noise canceling ear buds since the volume is unreasonably high in there, and shades since the screen can sometimes be to bright as well. Use this kit the next time you go to the movies, assess what you used and what was effective and tweak it for the next time.
Going to Aunt Bertha’s thanksgiving dinner kit may look like: extra paper towels because she always runs out and you cannot sit there the whole time with crumbs or chicken grease lingering on your hands, mints for after dinner breath since you will be staying for games, 1 dose of your as needed anxiety medicine in case you get anxious while there, a hand fan and extra battery pack since she sets the thermostat to Hades and you won’t last 5 minutes without melting down if you forget it, noise cancelling headphones since your family knows about your sound sensitivity and won’t say anything about you needing to wear them, eye drops for when uncle Harold starts smoking his cigar so you can still sit and hangout with him since he is your favorite uncle to talk history with. All of these items are used to handle your sensory needs so that you can enjoy your time there without your sensitivities causing you to leave early or be miserable.
Going to work tool kit may look like: discreet ear buds to mute your suite mates who don’t know what “a quiet workspace” is, face mask with filter because Walter smells like Bengay which makes you dry heave and he comes by your desk often, essential oil scent roller so that you can sniff a soothing rose fragrance at your leisure, non perishable snacks like granola, a nut mix, and little sugar melts with the perfect texture you can munch on when the 4pm slump hits you, and shades you can wear when you are not on client calls since the dreaded fluorescent lights bother you daily. Does this kit make you love your job? No. Can it make you less reactive at work when things get tough? Yep!
- Remember that using accommodations is leveling the playing field, not giving you a leg up.
You should not feel guilt or shame when using your accommodations. Only use things in environments where it feels safe to do so. You don’t have to be the poster person for Autism everywhere by wearing your over the ear headphones everywhere proudly. It is not a requirement to being a good Autistic. Do what you want when you want wherever you want. There is no shame in not using your kit if you feel like it will make you uncomfortable to do so. Judge this on a case by case, moment to moment basis. You did not fail because you forgot to bring your tool kit or that you felt too anxious to pull out your tools!
Be honest, how many times did you just want to make yourself "do better and be ok with stuff" without caring to understand what set you off in the first place? We have all been there. Work through those feelings of “I wish I didn’t have to use tools at all! This is unfair and it sucks” which are so valid. Give yourself some grace, then promise to do better and give yourself what you need to be successful instead of wanting to be successful without the tools you require for success.
That would be like forcing a morning person to work at midnight and be happy about it. Or like having a person who is allergic to grass eat all their meals outside picnic style without a blanket. Or having someone who wears glasses go without them all day and expect them to do the same quality of work in the same time frame. Neither of these people would last long in these situations as they go against what they want, need, and who they are. Autistics feel this way all the time. They are expected to "deal with" whatever is socially acceptable in each scenario without modifications that neurotypicals don't require. Don’t be poke that internalized ableism beast, he gets UGLY when triggered, trust me.
- A well used tool kit is a good tool kit.
Use your kits, tweak them as you go, and don’t forget to refill it after every outing so you are ready to face the world again the next time. Go forth and take over the world my lovelies. One accommodated outing at a time.